A non-exhaustive list of things that have kept me alive, in no particular order. This list has always been hovering in the back of my mind, but I felt inspired one afternoon a few months ago to put it all on paper. This was focused solely on my mental health and those who have been there to support and keep me going in this capacity, but has taken on a whole new meaning as I have recently undergone some physical health setbacks (not to leave you hanging, but I’m not quite there yet to discuss that). All I can say is, little did I know how important some members of this list would be through what I am currently experiencing as well.

When your own brain and mind is acting in a manner that it thinks is self-preservation but is actually undermining your ability to live and to thrive, it can be so hard to pull yourself out. I credit a lot of my own internal work and taking steps forward to bring me to a place where manage my depression and anxiety, but without these beacons I do not think I would be where I am today.

1.         My doctor. A trusted and caring medical professional to turn to is a gift that I do not take lightly. I’ve had doctors who don’t believe me when I describe what is happening with my own body and mind, doctors who have prescribed me things that have led to negative consequences, and more. But the doctor I see to this day is an angel. On one of the first days of March 2020, she met with me and was there for me as I told her my deepest feelings and fears and thoughts. She heard me as I said that I was not sure I wanted to live anymore. And her time, attention, and guidance was life altering.

2.         A psychologist at Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers who I met once, also in early March 2020, and who changed my life forever. My memory of this time is so foggy because I was so depressed I was barely functioning. But I distinctly remember leaving his office as the world was actively shutting down around me, and feeling like I had hope for the first time in a long time. He gave me insights into my own mind I had never seen or understood before, offered me advice that would eventually help me to heal, and validated me in ways I never knew I needed. He then proceeded to help me find therapists in my area who accepted my insurance, leading me to the therapist I still see to this day. He was just doing his job, but in doing so he was the catalyst for me changing my whole life.

3.         My dog. Sometimes he has been my only motivation to get up in the morning. He motivates me to walk outside in the dead of winter or the pouring rain, and most of those walks have refocused me and shown me so much beauty all around me. He is also the best cuddler on the days when all I actually need is rest.

4.         Live music always will be an anchor in my life. There’s a sound/meme that has gone around about how “worship music always brought me to tears, but then I just realized that I love live music” and this is 100% me.

-I had never heard of the artist opening for Hozier in November 2019, and I never expected her voice to move me the way it did. Hearing Angie McMahon sing “Pasta” live altered my brain chemistry and changed my life.

-In October 2023, I was supposed to attend a Gregory Alan Isakov concert with a friend, but she was sick and no longer able to make it. I stepped completely out of my comfort zone and convinced myself that I should go on my own. The universe rewarded me in so many ways. The first song of Isakov’s set was my favorite of his, and hearing his voice live brought me immediately to tears. I still can’t listen to this song in my house, while driving, while working without having a bit of a cry. And past me had also bought ticket insurance, so my friend ended up with a full refund on her ticket!

-I could certainly go on and on with this list, but those are two that stick out to me.

5.         My partner. For supporting me as I completely uprooted my life and career. For taking care of me and everything around me when I’m not able to. For everything!

6.         My friends. For the calls, the texts, listening to me while I cry over the phone, celebrating with me as I make changes in my life. I am so unbelievably grateful for the community around me.

7.         My family. The constant support and ability to rely on a core group of people is something I try to never take for granted. My own immediate and extended family offer me so much love and protection, and I am lucky to also count my partner’s family as part of this group that will look out for me no matter what.

There is so much more to be grateful for every day, and gratitude practice has been such a large part of my healing and managing of my own mental health. But I am so blown away by the fact that this list came to the forefront of my mind just a few months ago, and has only been reinforced the past few weeks of my life. Life is a wild ride and a wild gift, and without these lighthouses guiding me safely to shore I do not know that I would be here today, and certainly wouldn’t be sitting here as I am.

If you or someone you know are struggling with suicidal thoughts or feelings, please do not hesitate to call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. I also recommend additional resources like The Samaritans and the Trevor Project for mental health crises.