Raising River

River (five months old) and I at Wingaersheek Beach in Gloucester, Massachusetts.

My most recent revelation, thanks to my amazing therapist, was the “both/and” mentality, which has essentially changed my life since the moment we discussed it. This approach focuses on the fact that we can both look forward to the future and enjoy the present – be angry about a situation and also grateful for it – and same for literally every other situation in my life. It allows you the freedom to hold two seemingly contradictory items in focus and attention, while not overly obsessing or worrying about one or the other. She told me that, if you feel off balanced and too focused in one direction, you can simply try to ease yourself back towards the other ‘side’. [Disclaimer that I am fully not trained in this and probably explaining it terribly, but hopefully you get the gist!]

This answered so many questions and frustrations I had with how I approached the world.

And one beautiful example of both/and in my life has been my journey so far owning a dog. For some reason the word ‘owning’ does not even feel right in this context. It’s really learning and growing and raising and caring for a little soul. And it has been one of the most challenging and most rewarding things I have done so far in my life. I do not think I am making any new points here or saying anything that another dog owner has not also uttered or shared, but for me it has all been new and beautiful and it is worth sharing and processing.

I should start with the caveat that my dog, River, is honestly not even that much of a challenge! He showed up at our house, about 12 weeks old and fresh off of a plane from Aruba, and had clearly already been crate trained and taught the command for “sit”. These two foundations were so helpful as we started integrating him into our lives. But the first big training step was to teach him to only go to the bathroom outside. This meant constant trips outside, lots of accidents, and a lot of patience. My friends and family were so helpful with reinforcing this process. The fact that this involves a lot of mess and error, but that the only way to succeed is through positive responses and reinforcement, was so challenging and taught me so much patience and appreciation for River and my friends/family. After a few weeks of 10-15 trips outside a day, suddenly I realized that he was fully housetrained. Once he was able to communicate with us by ringing a bell when he had to go out, we completely turned a corner. It was so surprising to think back to how far he had come and how much simpler life became.

Communication with him is another both/and situation. It involves the absolute greatest patience I have honestly ever had to exert – when you consider that we are speaking entirely different languages to one another with completing different communication styles, it is basically a miracle that humans and dogs can communicate so well. I remember working with him on one particular command, and we were both so frustrated. I could tell that he wanted to get it right and to understand what I was asking, and I was going through so many repetitions and trying to remain enthusiastic so that he would enjoy the process and succeed. This was the first time that I witnessed something in his mind click and he got it – at this point I can’t even remember what command we were working on, but I remember how freaking wonderful and miraculous it felt when he got it. We had both put in the work and the reward was so great. Since then, I am always working on our communication. Patient and enthusiastic delivery, consistency and creativity – all of these things are so challenging. But the reward of a dog who can understand the requests I am making is worth the hard work. And, as I’m writing this, I’m remembering how inconsistent I have become and how the routine is so important to get back to.

My sister and River last weekend on a hike through Middlesex Fells Reservation.

The greatest joy he has brought to my life so far is our daily walks and weekly adventures. I have been outside almost every day for the last seven months – including throughout the winter months. This has been such a great shift in my life, and has helped my mental and physical health immensely. It has allowed me to explore new places and to be reinvigorated in visiting familiar spots. He brings so much adventure to every single day. And the fact that he has turned me into a person who is able to wake up early in the morning is nothing short of a miracle. I can’t say that I enjoy that part, but starting your day off with a walk is definitely quite wonderful.

Figuring out his daily care, especially as a high energy dog in a house with no backyard, has been a great challenge. But after a lot of trial and error, we now have a dog walking and ‘daycare’ setup that makes him so happy, has improved his behavior, and helps us all out. And he gets one night a week at his grandparents house with their dogs as well. He has also been sick a couple times, had small injuries, etc. I have learned how to properly ask for help but also how to trust my own instincts about what he needs. It amazes me how in tune with his mood and behavior I am. But I definitely have to balance out my over-worrying and general anxiety about his health and safety – I have to trust that he is and will be okay.

Every day that we go out on a walk or an adventure, I am able to see the joy that he brings random strangers, close friends and family. He gets compliments constantly and is always making people smile. I can’t even imagine what the world would be like if we greeted other humans with the amount of joy that he seems to impart. It is so fun to witness. And has forced me out of my comfort zone many times with socializing more with people I see/meet.

I have seen how my life has slowed down in order to see and anticipate what he needs. I have had to learn how to understand and interpret his behavior. I remember the day that I realized I could tell which bark was frustration about a toy going under a piece of furniture and which bark was “please let me out before I go to the bathroom somewhere I shouldn’t”. It is still so wild to me that I can understand these things!

River on a recent walk through our neighborhood in Beverly, Massachusetts.

I have witnessed his discovery of every little thing in the world around him – whether it’s trying to understand the phenomenon that is humans hugging or emptying a dishwasher, birds singing in trees as spring has started, hearing new sounds and sights like a cricket, geese, and planes – his reactions are always pure wonder and fascination. And there have been so many times when his wonder has encouraged me to look up or to pause and observe. I have never experienced anything in life that has encouraged me this much to be present and grateful, even amidst all of the challenges and time that he requires.

There is also something beautiful and challenging to be said about the accelerated lifespan of a dog. I adopted River when he was three months old, and have now had him for seven months. The speed with which he has grown is honestly astounding. He is officially in his ‘teenage’ phase already. Soon he’ll be a year old. I have seen babies grow from newborn to one to ten years in what feels like no time at all, but his life is moving at an even faster pace. It allows me to see the gift that life is. To witness the ebbs and flows and growth in his life. And to appreciate every single minute, because I already can’t believe how quickly it is flying by.

I am so grateful for this dog, who has become one of my best friends and the sweetest companion. Some days I still wonder why I did something that changed my life so greatly – but I honestly don’t regret any of it. For all of the difficulties, the rewards are so great. And I can’t imagine my life without him.

River at Middlesex Fells, with the Boston skyline behind him.

“Rivers know this. There is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

[A.A. Milne]